25 Brilliant Jokes About Pregnancy (Because Every Pregnant Woman Needs They flu over his head. On your cheat day! Dont think its yours just because you marked it with your urine! , I want drugs, massive amounts of drugs. Top 50 Pregnancy Jokes in 2023 - Jokes about Pregnancy - TIMES HQ My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. Somehow they still got in! "That's great! Pregnancy is no joke, but it definitely has its moments. Turns out they dont prevent pregnancy, it just changes the color of the baby. Cremation. These funny pregnancy jokes will help you pass the time and maybe even get your baby moving. 2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again. My phone number, my address, my name. I swear to God I can smell the TV. Amanda Seyfried, Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. Rita Rudner. "What?" They're fine," he says. "Oh my god, I'm pregnant?" A son tells his father, I have an imaginary girlfriend.. Give a man a match, and hell be warm for a few hours. american people of french canadian descent A nine-month-long hostage situation where you are both the hostage and the building. 2. She became pregnant and took her to the hospital when the time came. What do you give a new mommy so that shes ready for anything? Were talking about subjects like: These are all subjects that make people uneasy when discussing them. Never break someone's heart, they only have one of those. Husband: What do you mean? The following collection of dark jokes all share either a conversation simplicity or an association with food. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. Or, at the very least, that's what I like to think. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". Ans: Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey. Are you expecting a baby? A guy called his friend: Hello, Abraham! One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. Well, except one person. Yours? You know I would have married you and provided for the babies. Without delving too deeply into the human psyche, oftentimes, humor is used as a means of coping. Dark humor jokes are a way of broaching topics otherwise considered out of bounds and bringing them into play. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend. Its because you had too many shots of tequila. Mila Kunis, Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be. Carrie Fisher, People always say that pregnant women have a glow. 8. The journey of childbirth is filled with a range of emotions and physical exertion. There are also pregnant puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. 58. We just tell them theyre going to die.. I know my baby is going to be an overachiever. They are the perfect example of jokes that can just roll off the tongue between courses. ", Paddy says to Mick, Dark humor jokes - pregnant - Wattpad Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? Then the pharmacist asks: Which one you want? Ans: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current! ' James Breakwell. My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Because its the only love they get. 2. Reply Retweet . I made a website for orphans. Poor guy. Then he says: Heres what I advise you. (a) Be pregnant. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? 40. Wouldn't! Harry! 51. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. 61. I reached my healthy weight gain limit in the first trimester. Our baby was born last week. Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. Pregnancy is only easy on some women, for others, there are pregnancy jokes. Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly. No, but your husband might get on your nerves. 62. 23. 99. I want the maximum legal limit of drugs. , How would you like to go through life with the name Cooper Banks-Mackenzie? Won't! Everywhere. Ans: Youll have an even better chance if he doesnt wear anything at all. Because they taste funny. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working.". Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road. Inspirational Heres What You Should Know, 9 Best Pairs Of Maternity Underwear 2021: Over Belly, Under Belly & Itch Free, 30+ Relatable Nurse Jokes To Get You Through Your Next Shift, 60+ Knock Knock Jokes So Funny Theyll Knock You Over. 75 Pregnancy Jokes That Are Great Stress Relievers View in galleryComedy should be above censorship, in many ways, because it is not condoning anything. 32. Barbu Vacarescu 164A, Cladirea C1, 020285, Bucharest. I love a hero with a twisted back story. Ans: Depends on what youre doing with them. You better be committed. Elizabeth Gilbert, There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. Chinese Proverb, If pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters. Nora Ephron, Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. Mark Twain, Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes. Joyce Armor, God, my brain really goes to mush when Im pregnant. Kate Winslet, Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant. Jim Cole, I can smell electricity. I went into the subway. But he's an idiot! 37. -. What do you call a blonde in the freezer? We all have guilty pleasures. The guy who stole my diary just died. My final hope for a smokin hot body! Healthy Environment Looking through the annals of history, humor has always been a manner in which people can push boundaries and test the limits of what can be allowed. My wife is pregnant! Pregnant Wife: "My husband told me to put the Oreos somewhere I couldn't reach them. One that is more expensive or one that is more reliable? A wife asked her husband: Who is that screaming there so loud? And, its not because dark jokes are difficult to understand or take excessive processing power. 27. A cop sees an older woman carrying two large sacks. Although a joyous occasion, pregnancy can be a bit stressful and nerve-wracking. There was a pregnant girl about 8-9 months asking for donations. 4. A teacher asked her students to write a sentence in which the word great would be two times. I asked my husband to place the Oreos where I couldnt reach them.? 40 Sick Jokes That Will Make You Feel Horrible For Laughing - PsyCat Games **Warning** The following post contains material that some may find offensive. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. Then she replies: I dont care. After a kidney stone, nobody says, lets have another.. Then he replies: I would like it if it does not affect your figure, a bicycle. Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. So I unplugged his life support. Offensive jokes are only that way if you take them that way. My mom died when we couldnt remember her blood type. There is a black man who listens to racist jokes. 65. What makes watching a Quentin Tarantino movie look like a Disney flick? Telling the world youre pregnant is like telling the world you had unprotected sex. 8. Then he replies: Because I see a beard. 17. Lifes a piece of shit,When you look at it.Lifes a laugh, and deaths a joke; its true.Youll see its all a show.Keep em laughin as you go.Just remember that the last laugh is on you. Not everybody has one. One is a superhero and the other is a simple command. Im itchy everywhere, my ankles are fat and theres something hanging out of my butt. , You better pay for that pee stick when youre done with it. Leave us a comment below! They picked tacos. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? Ans: After a kidney stone, nobody says lets have another. And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" Daughter. What is the most common pregnancy craving? 68. 59. The judge gave me 15 years. You dont need to be British to understand or tell these jokes, but it does help. Your email address will not be published. What better way to calm the nerves than to listen to some light jokes about pregnancy? We havent even slept, have we? I think my water just broke! The chances are that if your parents didnt get pregnant, you wont either. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" Im two months pregnant now. Ans: Take the toothpaste and go brush in the room, I have to pee! *1 minute later* WHEREs THE TOOTHPASTE?!. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday. Causes (and Solutions) to Gray Hair, Drinking in the Dark: The 18 Best Winter Beers, Complete the Look: 10 Style Accessories that turn Boring into Bold, Most Expensive Cat: 20 Feline Friends Thatll Truly Dent Your Wallet, 150 Best Dad Jokes: The Only Joke List Youll Ever Need to Embarrass Your Family, The Top 60 Dark Humor Jokes to Turn Any Conversation Awkward, Best Offensive Jokes for Around the Dinner Table. Ans: *9 months later* Wife: My water broke! Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby. Shes not ready yet. Three-year-old: Wife: Three-year-old: Babies are lazy. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? I didnt think so. Are you growing a human? We hope you enjoyed our list of pregnant women jokesas much as we did putting it together. When does a joke become a dad joke? After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me. She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. About 140 calories. A woman goes into labor with her child. Ten minutes of peace and quiet. After a kidney stone, nobody says lets have another. Whats the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? Animals Is she right? A young student announces to her parents: I am pregnant. But it doesnt have to be all doom and gloom! 39. Then he replied: Well, okay. It can be painful and frustrating at times, but it can also be pretty funny. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them. He told me that Im pregnant. 61. In other words, these are a mild to moderate offense level. 14. For instance, when you push them down the stairs. 42. Exercising while pregnant is like eating kale on your cheat day. 87. The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart! 75+ Dark Humor Jokes (No Limits) For Twisted Laughs [2023] - IFORHER Why, yes in that its completely natural to take drugs to alleviate excruciating pain! Dark humor and jokes flow like wine and gravy in others, and the only thing sharper than the wit is the key lime pie mum made for dessert. A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out. Why on earth didn't you tell me? Is there any reason for me to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. 64. When it comes to humor, there is no discrimination. The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. Then he replied: Youre not pregnant. I want to meet my biological parents!". You dont need a parachute to go skydiving. That must be it. I was eating like a box a day of Entenmanns donuts. Tina Fey, Being pregnant is kind of like a sedative everythings just chill. Jessica Alba, My doctor the other day was like, I think maybe pull back a little bit. I was like, Really? Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad Funny Jokes Today Jokes Funny Pregnancy Jokes That Will Get Your Baby Moving. A pregnant woman and her husband came to the doctor: Is it possible to have sex during pregnancy? But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset. Keep reading to see how Family Guy has crossed the line with some of the darkest jokes of any TV show, ever. She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant! A daughter said to her mother. Wife:No you're not. 1. Why aren't orphan jokes funny? 556. 72. Doctor: Denise. Sex and sexuality are often part of a morbid humor playlist. 48. How is being pregnant like being a kid again? For others, its laughing at offensive jokes or sharing memes around the workplace alright, fine, thats me too. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. 93. 15 Hilarious Preggers Jokes That Will Make You Wet Your Pants The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. Except at a funeral. We are just getting started.). Lady suddenly happily said: Thank God! On your cheat day! You dont have to study for a pregnancy test, but Ive heard theres a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam. should not be construed as a substitute for advice from a medical professional or health care provider. "Usually an overdose," I told her. Having a taste for dark humor jokes is no longer the social stigma that it was; much like the uncle with Tourrettes we mentioned earlier in this article, it is no longer kept as the family secret. Wife: Imagine, our neighbour is pregnant again! He told me to make myself at home. 43. Say what you will about pedophiles. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? Ans: Pregnancy brain is her excuse for everything she doesnt want to do. Hilarious cartoons with a dark twist. But the list goes on and on when it comes to cravings that moms-to-be desire. The toilet is your home now. She told her: you already have the fourth child, and everything is from John! Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you" New Mother: "My brother named them? Jokes about being pregnant are a great way to help your spouse feel a bit at ease. 7. Not bad, she thinks. Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Trivia Questions Pregnancy is no joke, but it definitely has its moments. Im nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge! As your body changes, it can be a wild ride for everyone, filled with unforgettable moments you may look back on and laugh at. Dark Jokes: Hilarious Black Humor - Short-Funny.com One out of five stars, took way too long, overpriced, really uncomfortable, too crowded, aesthetically a mess, and no alcohol. Are you getting bored? As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but its hard without him. 3. What bird helps prevent pregnancy? 2. You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car. She asked. It feels like theyre bars and shes an old-timey prisoner with a tin mug. Chrissy Teigen, Three-year-old: Can the baby come out and play?. You can tell them baby jokes now. It doesnt have a home page. Remember, you and I are spouses. Then guy answers: And if the child is not like me, it will be a great misfortune for you! What's the difference between jelly and jam? 56. Those who have a higher level of intelligence are more apt to be in possession of a dark sense of humor. Dark Jokes: 22 Funny (But Depressing) Jokes | Thought Catalog Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Everyone says, congratulations, but they dont know how many times you got screwed. Ans: Right after you find out youre pregnant. A pregnant wife wakes up her tired husband at three in the morning: Honey, I want pomegranates. My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children. The darker, more ironical, and satirical is the humor of your preference, the likely higher your IQ. Pregnant horses run faster because they have more horsepower. So, howd we do? I was at the park the other day when a mother sat down beside me. It's dark because there's no light. My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, Youll be next! They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals. [cry]" What is the difference between Iron man and Iron Woman? 76. What do you call it when two flowers have a surprise pregnancy? What do you call a pregnancy that starts while using birth control? alone. Is there anything you should avoid while recovering from childbirth? As your body changes, it can be a wild ride for everyone, filled with unforgettable moments you may look back on and laugh at. Suddenly Abraham answered: Why are you calling me? Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? Are you drinking a lot of juice? I was like, Yeah. Pregnancy women crave all kinds of things. Winter Having to sing Wheels on the Bus 20,000 times a day. Where do you work?" TheCoolist is a mood board for your headspace. His wife asks: Dear, what happened? 1. In order not to get pregnant from me, my girlfriend has sex with other guys. -. Doctor: Good! Our baby was born last week. It was because of a face-off in the corner. 52. I see that you are excited about something. I guess I was wrong about him. She replies, "Because I swallowed the first. Dont let the process get to you, instead, try and enjoy it for what it is. I have many jokes about unemployed peoplesadly none of them work. Spring "Did you jus" My town's population never changes. And she would like to continue creating content on health and lifestyle. When will my wife start to feel and act normal again? What is the most reliable way to determine the babys sex? Drinking A woman on a bed, a man on a sofa. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. I heard Sony is coming out with a new video game console to help us get through the pandemic. 59. Now shut the hell up. Funny animated cart. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" 66. I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. There was a pregnant girl about 8-9 months asking for donations. Wife: What did the fertility doctor say? 12:01 AM. Its impossible to deny that we live in an increasingly angry world. With any luck, right after he finishes college. 50 Dirty Jokes That Are Totally Inappropriate But - Thought Catalog How about you reincarnate as my child?" Otherwise, they are no different from a knock-knock joke. The judge gave me 15 years. -No, shes getting pregnant. For the nine months Im pregnant with a boy, shouldnt I be paid 1.78 times my salary? A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy? Ans: Cant eat because of nausea. Next patient please. When things get too hard or you seem like you are feeling down, be sure to go through our list. Only if the word alimony means anything to him. I wasnt even in the city that day. P.S. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? I used to work on an assembly line that made pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit. I know how it feels to grow up without a father! There are two girls. "That's why I need to be extra careful.". The woman looks down, "A can of peaches, Your Honor.". The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest, What about my son?" Music Wow these jokes are so dark its a miracle they havent been shot by a cop. Yeah, gestating can have its lighter moments. After giving birth, I can sleep even while standing! For example, take the holocaust. Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there. They're both fine. The woman asked the doctor about her baby. Videos During Lockdown 41. I know a fish that can breakdance! "I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. My husband is safe! My wife said its such an uncommon name. If you start telling some of the jokes above, just make sure that you are in the right location with the right people. I have oneWhat the difference between a slice of pizza and a dead manA slice of pizza cant feed the whole family. Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise." Jack Daniels is a whiskey that can be abused by alcoholics, leading to death. Its time to take a look at the reason youre all here reading this post. I have a fish that can breakdance! Pregnancy is a magical experience, but it can also be awkward and hilarious. Go figure. Turns out I'm adopted. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough. Which is why we rounded up these hilarious pregnancy jokes and quotes that will even get the baby kicking and laughing. Did we get a rise out of you with any of our offensive jokes? These are the sort of jokes you will keep in your arsenal and use them sparingly but with a reasonably broad audience. What is the worst combination of illnesses? Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. What are their names?" Clothes are like Billie Eilish songs. How is virginity like a soap bubble? She swam away. I said, Nah, it's probably womb temperature. You're ready. In addition, there is something different about the delivery of British-inspired dark jokes. Listen, if you arent ready to have pee on your hand, then youre definitely not ready to be a mom. Husband: Are you sure? Usually an overdose, I told her. The doctor brings back her test results and says, "It looks like you'll have to get used to changing diapers from now on." My childbirth instructor said its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. I want a lot of pomegranates! She asked what I wanted to name the second one. Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife. Queen Victoria, Theres a whole birthing plan, but what is the plan other than to get it out? What about the boy? I now live in constant fear. Pregnancy Jokes - Funny and Best Jokes about Pregnancy - Jokerz | Page 3 54. I asked. I visited my new friend in his apartment. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. 1,124 VOTES. Even so, understanding what these dark humor jokes are trying to achieve may be more evident to those of a more intelligent persuasion. You dont need a parachute to go skydiving. Fair enough. What is the most common pregnancy craving? Woman: Oh no, not my brother! It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. How do you say unintended pregnancy in German? Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. The man feels nothing. What did the Titanic say as it sank? 91+ Laughter Pregnant Jokes | pregnant woman, pregnant wife jokes 115+ Funny Pregnancy Jokes That Will Get Your Baby Kicking - Scary Mommy Why is it so great to be a test tube baby? 97. She gave birth underwater! 1. Ans: If the baby can hear everything then its first words are definitely going to be an expletive. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger.